Friday, August 29, 2014

What would have been my Due Date

Today is like any other day, a trip to the gym, laundry, dishes, errands to run, etc.  I can't help but think about what it would be like if I hadn't had a miscarriage in February.  Would I be swaddling a newborn already, staring at him/her with awe or would I still be big and pregnant waiting on pins and needles for a baby to arrive? 

Last night I cried to the "husbird" because it wasn't meant to be and he held me tight as I wiped away my tears.  We talked about how different our lives would be right now if we were about to have a baby.  

On one hand I feel like God didn’t love/trust me enough to send me another baby and on the other hand I feel like he loved me enough not to send me another baby because he knew five children was enough for me and he knows it is all I can handle and it's what's best for our family. You would think that would make it easier to close this chapter of my life and accept that I've held my last newborn, but it doesn't. 

Sometimes I wish I was more capable or had a different personality that would make it easier to care for more children, but that probably wouldn't change anything anyways.

1 comment:

  1. I had those same thoughts when I miscarried. But with years, healing and hindsight, I can now see that God's plan and timing are what is best for our family. You are an amazing mom and wife Emily. Just keeping doing your best and He will make up the difference. He always does. Love you!


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