It is with a very heavy and sad heart I write this post.
We found out in December that we were pregnant with our sixth child. We were thrilled, with a little bit of trepidation mixed in at the thought of the baby stage again, but we got over that very quickly and got more and more excited as the days passed. I was feeling pretty good and felt extremely lucky and blessed I could take care of my family as usual.
I got busy planning everything around the baby's due date in late August. I wanted to take the nestlings on a really fun vacation before the baby came and I wanted to get away with the husbird before I got huge and uncomfortable. We had already made all the arrangements for the husbird and I's little trip together.
Then at 9 weeks I started spotting, thought it was probably implantation bleeding. It only lasted a little over a day then nothing for a week. We were relieved and thought all was well, until the next weekend when I started spotting again. Then after a couple of days it turned from a brownish color to bright red. Surely this couldn't be a good sign.
It was the weekend and after talking to a nurse on call we decided instead of going to the ER we'd wait until Monday and go in for an ultrasound to find out what was going on. I tried to rest as much as possible in hopes of saving the baby somehow.
While I was sleeping Sunday night at about 1:30 a.m. I felt a rush of warm liquid. I knew it was blood, a lot of blood. I bolted out of bed to the bathroom and yelled after the husbird. Tons of blood and what felt like just smaller than the size of a tennis ball came out. I immediately felt horrible, like I was going to throw up and pass out all at the same time. I only made it back to the bed with the help of the husbird. When he layed me down I started sweating profusely and I felt like my eyes were rolling back in my head. It was like an out of body experience. I thought I was going to die. That may sound dramatic, but I felt so awful. The husbird kept asking me to look at him and to focus on him. He said he was going to take me to the ER. I was thinking there was no way I was going to make it to the car. I couldn't even stand up. I felt lifeless. He held my head up and helped me drink some water. I began to stabilize and feel slightly better. Then he went and got me some crackers and fed them to me. I tried to get up a little while later to change my pad and I re-lived all those horrible feelings and it took me a long time to recover. I didn't really sleep the rest of the night. It might sound funny, but I was scared if I went to sleep I might die. I was extremely weak from all the blood I lost and I could not get comfortable no matter how I tried. On top of that, every movement I made the husbird would sweetly ask me if I was okay.
The morning did come and the sun shined for a moment with the realization we made it through the night, then reality set in and crushed us with its heavy fist. My thoughts turned to the cake. I had plans to bake a heart cake on Valentines day, stick plastic babies in it and frost over it to hide the holes. Then serve it to the nestlings, Surprise another baby is joining our family! They would have been so excited.
Instead we told them we lost the baby they didn't know we were going to have. We told them that we need to rely on God during times like these. We watched as their tears started as soon as they see our cheeks are wet. They all came towards us for an unsolicited, but very welcomed and needed special family hug. Then Miss "A" quietly leaves the room and starts playing the hymn, "God be with you til' we meet again." It touched my heart so deeply and of course makes me cry some more. Baby "G" says, "Don't cry mommy" over and over and tries to wipe my tears with his little hands. When I don't stop he starts to mimic my crying which in turn makes me laugh.
I know God has a plan for us and even though we may not understand why this happened and we didn't get our baby, we know he loves us and wants what's best for us. Eventually the sadness will lessen, but I hope we'll never forget the reason we were going to make the cake.